One of the stickiest things I heard in college was the social psych professor who, when going over depression, said, “maybe they just see things the way they are.”
I think he was right. I think we see through the bullshit, and so much of the world is bullshit.
I’ve had depression my entire life. Behaviors I was exhibiting at 4, at 7; choosing isoloation or even punishment over some activity that made me anxious. Staying silent about being mistreated, because of doubt that speaking up would make any difference- eventually learning that, indeed, it usually did not. The most discouraging thing is is being right about the worst things, especially when the world tells you, “that’s not really how it is, you’re just _____, just be optimistic.”
Yeah, fuck you.
I started this post a week ago, but since Robin Williams died yesterday it’s more than time to post. There’s a lot of people asking, “can we have this discussion now?” and nobody really doing it. And this is my goddamned space.
Any psych evaluation, any visit to a therapist, you’ll be asked, “have you had any suicidal thoughts?” This is almost a joke to me. It’s crossed my mind daily since I was 13. I tried once, years ago; I’m sure it’s been a subconscious effort a few times since. It’s absurd. We all die sometime. It’s not something you bring up, even when you really need to: the horrified jaw-drop, the handholding, etc. is not welcoming. It’s not understanding. And that’s generally the best response anyone gets from admitting they’ve thought about suicide. Those thoughts are always there, for me. They linger in the background, under all the noise and doubt.
Yet I’m still here. For 30-plus years I’ve managed to keep sucking in air, like a masochist. I don’t really know why, and God knows it’s not for fun. All the pain, the anxiousness, all in my own head. I don’t know why I keep going, especially when things are always going downhill, but there are respites. Days when things look up, even if it’s a reminder that tomorrow or next week that trap is sitting there around the corner, waiting. I guess those days are worth it.