When I was a kid I watched an excess of bad horror films from the video store. I mean pure cheese. ’80s sleepover murder movies. Hellraiser and Candyman. Jack Frost- the murderous snowman (not the Michael Keaton kiddie film). Foreign dubbed stuff. I know I rented some boring, awful Italian movie where a lady and her son have an incestuous, cannibalistic (yeah, it really shouldn’t have been boring, and yet..) relationship multiple times, because the cover and title were so misleading I kept thinking it was something I hadn’t seen. So, you know, I’m not averse to a stupid slasher film.
Somehow I missed most of the Friday the 13th and Elm Street movies. I’m not sure why, but I never really thought of serial horror flicks as a “thing”. And then there was Scream. I think there were four of those, and all of them after the first seem to have missed the point. Oh, and then Final Destination. After that, we were treated to Saw. I watched 20 minutes of the first one and promptly found something else to do; torture porn isn’t my thing. But the fucking thing was like clockwork: for most a decade, we got another installment of “same evil thing, different victims”. Now we’re getting a different but equally asinine thing.
Paranormal Activity. I don’t understand the fascination. I’ve never personally heard anyone claim to like these. But we get another one! My understanding of this is it’s “like Blair Witch, but the camera doesn’t move”. So someone took one of the saddest wastes of film and somehow managed to make it even worse. And it made enough money to spawn three sequels? I hate everyone.
What kills me is how misleading the ads are. Here’s the IMDB pic:
That is a statue of Mary with a skull for a face. Just like skeletor! And her forehead has been branded. With the fucking triforce! Right there you’ve already got all the makings of a fantastic drug-addled tale. “A disfigured virgin, branded and exiled from Hyrule for a social crime, travels the wastelands spreading vengeance and the teachings of kung-fu.” That’s what the poster is telling me I’ll get. That’s what we should be demanding from our filmmakers. Ridiculously stupid, over the top horror movies, not torture porn or fake “hidden camera” movies.