There are times when I feel like I’m dreaming. Even when I know better, when I know logically what’s real and what’s not.. there’s still that uncertainty. I make a most of my decisions from gut instinct. I think intuitively. It’s a very reaction-based way to function, and I’m afraid of the day when I lose my ability to tell what’s real and what’s not, and I start acting on the wrong side of things.
Alzheimers must be motherfucker to deal with.
I still have dreams about her; last night I found her in line at a Kmart and told her I was fine and walked away. I woke up shaken, and I’ve still got the unsettled feeling that clings to you sometimes. I wish my brain chemistry didn’t amplify this kind of shit. I don’t really want to deal with it. I don’t have any way to deal with it. It’s really horrible when people say that depression gets better, that it gets easier as you get older. That’s a fucking lie; that’s one of those things we say to spare people the worst. It’s a lot of bullshit.
The truth is that it doesn’t get better; not the clinical type. We get better at dealing with it. We get better at recognizing when the beast starts snarling in the corner (or whatever your metaphor is), and we get better at adjusting. We get better at hiding it. After a while that becomes habit, and it seems easier. But it changes you. It integrates with your mind and changes how you think, and you don’t get to go back and forget.