I was clearing out the cache of unfinished drafts (46, I believe) earlier and wondering why I abandon so much.  I’ve said before a lot of it’s a timing/motivation thing; I lose motivation to finish a topical thing until it’s no longer topical.  And I said that some things are just personal, which is true insofar as they involve other people.  But a lot of them are personal on a personal level.  I write a lot about depression and anxiety, a lot about really pervasive fears, and I post almost none of it.  One reason for this is that the writing doesn’t always make sense- some days I go from lucid prose to nonsensical imagery and back in the same thought.  The other reason is that a lot of aspects of these things that trouble me are constant.  I struggle with many of the same things I did five and ten and fifteen years ago.  It’s frustratingly cyclical, and the writer in me hates to sound like a broken record.

But I’m going to try to examine the crazy again.  I want a baseline first, a place to start so I can avoid repeating particular topics.

I’m 32.  I finished my bachelor’s in art studio five months ago.  I haven’t been employed in nearly a year.  I haven’t been employed full time (as in 40 hours a week) since 2000, and I haven’t been employed in the just-under-40-hours “full time” since 2004.  I have severe clinical depression and anxiety, arthritis in my hands and feet, diminished hearing and worsening myopia.

Those are the basics, that’s where I stand right now.  I’ll try to dig around specific problems later.


About ducksarebitches

I'm a painter, a drummer, a student, and currently unemployed. I also appreciate cats and a bit of light debauchery, but not at the same time or for the same reasons.
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