I was clearing out the cache of unfinished drafts (46, I believe) earlier and wondering why I abandon so much. I’ve said before a lot of it’s a timing/motivation thing; I lose motivation to finish a topical thing until it’s no longer topical. And I said that some things are just personal, which is true insofar as they involve other people. But a lot of them are personal on a personal level. I write a lot about depression and anxiety, a lot about really pervasive fears, and I post almost none of it. One reason for this is that the writing doesn’t always make sense- some days I go from lucid prose to nonsensical imagery and back in the same thought. The other reason is that a lot of aspects of these things that trouble me are constant. I struggle with many of the same things I did five and ten and fifteen years ago. It’s frustratingly cyclical, and the writer in me hates to sound like a broken record.
But I’m going to try to examine the crazy again. I want a baseline first, a place to start so I can avoid repeating particular topics.
I’m 32. I finished my bachelor’s in art studio five months ago. I haven’t been employed in nearly a year. I haven’t been employed full time (as in 40 hours a week) since 2000, and I haven’t been employed in the just-under-40-hours “full time” since 2004. I have severe clinical depression and anxiety, arthritis in my hands and feet, diminished hearing and worsening myopia.
Those are the basics, that’s where I stand right now. I’ll try to dig around specific problems later.